This weekend was a flurry of socializing and seeing long lost friends and drinking fun things and feeling exhausted, but in a necessary way that’s overall made me feel good going into this next week.
I’ve been feeling very stressed lately – and melancholy, uncertain about the future and what I want to do with my life and who am I and do I let fear dictate my life and why does it seem like everyone my age hates their life and should there be a light at the end of the tunnel and am I destined to always feel discontent with where I am in life and what if true beauty hits me in the face and I don’t even recognize it?
On Friday night, my friends Emily and Micah came over and we made Basil Pineapple Margaritas (ummmmm, yes). It was v fun to see Emily, since she’s up in Seattle right now and I only get to see her every few months, at the most. We also devoured some tasty madeleine cookies, truffle coated almonds, and watched a bunch of old musical videos (as in, clips from various musicals, like Singin in the Rain and The King & I – take a look at this outrageous skirt!! I love it!!!). It’s so rare to feel truly comfortable around people, and I find myself, even now, feeling so lucky to have these friends who love me for me, even if I don’t fully know who that is.
Speaking of – Elizabeth fucking McIntosh. What a soul mate. What a kindred being. Earlier this week, she’d sent me a picture of a shirt she got from Target because she thought I’d like it. Of course, I responded saying I’d already tried it on days before and really wanted to get it. We were both visiting a mutual friend on Saturday night and joked about wearing the matching shirts. But here’s the thing: we weren’t joking. May the good lord bless those people you can unabashedly match in public with – especially in Wild Fable Target shirts that somehow flatter all body types.
Sunday held even more friendship fun – first with a trip to Descanso Gardens! It’s so close to where I live (and/or the general area I’ve lived in for years). Victoria and I met our freshman year of college and always kept in loose touch. After graduating, we lost contact – not for any reason, but just in the typical way that happens once you no longer live super close to the people around you. It was dumb in our case though, because we still lived relatively close! When we bumped into each other at a party a few months ago, we were both wondering why we haven’t actually hung out more – and whallah – we met up this weekend!
The gardens were so pretty and full of life – SO MANY BEES!
Afterwards, we got coffees, saw all the dogs, and gossiped about ourselves back at my place – a favorite pass time!
Finally, I met with some friends Sunday evening at the Anaheim Packing District! It’s a very trendy place, and I tasted many trendy things (two different fun grilled cheeses, Thai tea.. that’s actually all). I always feel contemplative after spending time with friends I knew before I went to college – I was such a different person back then. Believed different things, cared about different issues, didn’t anticipate my life going in the direction it has gone! I’m reminded of my past when I’m with them, and I’m working on not resenting my past self.
Everything I’ve ever been has worked to create the person I am today. And sometimes it’s easy to love her and sometimes it’s difficult to love her but I’m working on it
So regarding my goals specifically – I didn’t meet my running goal entirely, and I had sugar 3 days this week. But I accomplished the ever present goal of engaging with my own life. I talked more with people than I have in a long time. I read and drank coffee and journaled and laughed – and if I did that at the expense of a few transient goals – I’m just fine with that.
Cover of the week: Cigarettes, by Noah Gundersen
I chose this song for this week because I’m feeling in a mellow mood right now (ie it’s 11pm and I don’t feel like making a whole lotta noise) and because it reminds me of my past. I listened to this song a lot in college (lol many times after a boy broke my heart), and Noah Gundersen connected me to a lot of my good college friends (Emily and Liz from this weekend, to name a few!).
This song has just always hit me. It reminds me a bit of Ellen Bass’ poem Can’t Get Over Her – “The heart is stubborn and indefatigable. And limitless.”
We never get over anything, but we learn, and grow, and become more fully formed versions of ourselves. We use the past to inform our future, and hopefully it leads us to healthier places.
This has been a post!