Last night, I was drinking Chai tea and got ~dramatic~. (Unsurprising.)
I formulated this thought that my ideal life would feel the way Chai tea tastes – warm and familiar, but still surprisingly spicy with each sip.
On a loosely related note, I had a conversation with a coworker that left me feeling defensive of my goal keeping earlier this week. I’d mentioned to her that I’m trying to go sugar-less for the next 6 months. She immediately denounced the idea, saying diets don’t work / moderation is key / there’s no reason to cut sugar out if you exercise / etc.
It was – odd. Because on some level, I absolutely agree with her. I’ve never been into “dieting,” never been successful at it either (lol). I don’t need to cut sugar entirely out of my diet. There isn’t a hugely tangible reason why I don’t want to eat sugar – no allergies or medical conditions.
Perhaps the problem was that if felt as if she was assuming the reason, if not medical, must be because I felt unhappy with my body – self-conscious about my bumps, rolls, soft edges.
I found it difficult to articulate how my goals are not tied to my body – not how it looks, not even necessarily to how it feels. The point of this isn’t even really to be healthier (although that is a bonus!). The goal is to reduce my dependence on something unnecessary. The purpose has always been is to shake myself out of complacency and to engage intentionally with the world around me. Sometimes, engaging with the world means saying no – if that’s what makes us live differently, live intentionally.
Yes, it’s easier for me to eat sugar. Yes, that’s what I turn to first when I’m stressed, or tired, or wanting to “treat myself.” But it’s become a comfortable habit that I’d love to distance myself from (just like not running was comfortable, or not writing is easier than writing).
I want the warmth and comfort, but the spice is what really makes life exciting – the little pockets of energy we infuse into our daily lives to make them more interesting. CHAI TEA METAPHOR CLOSED.
Running was a task this week. There’s this post-run stretching video I watch a lot, and at one point the instructor mentions that “every run run feels different.” I used to not understand that, really. Most of my runs felt the same (obviously a bit more strenuous if I ran a further distance, but I didn’t find the run more ~difficult~). This week though. Jesus.
I’m thinking it may be the heat? Or maybe I just don’t want to attribute this waning skill to my own capabilities. REALLY though – I’ve known that running in the summer would be more difficult, but I didn’t think about it in detail. I thought I’d sweat a bit more, feel a bit warmer. I didn’t know it would feel physically more difficult to move one foot after the other, that my sides would ache quicker, that I’d be struggling after 1 mile the way I usually struggle after 3.
All this said – I STILL DID IT. I STILL RAN 7 MILES. They were slow, and hard labored, but goddammit I ran them and am, if nothing else, very proud of that.
Heat got nothin on me.
I finished a sock this week!! And began the next! Knitting is also more slow moving in the summer – something about sitting in a hot apartment with no air conditioning makes the pass time less enjoyable (I wonder why).
Good news on this front, though – I’ll be moving in September! To an apartment with central A/C! And parking! And in-unit washer/dryer! I am so happy.
After a year of living alone, I’ll be moving back in with a housemate – my friend Jessi, who I also lived with in college! I’ve had a few people ask how I feel about going back to living with another person after living alone, and honestly, I’m fine with it! I’ve never had a problem living with another person. It’s more the problem of living in a house with 4 other independent adults, who all have different standards of cleanliness! You can’t really force another independent adult to live the way you want to, and as the number of people in the household gets higher, the standards seem to drop lower. Which is how I felt in my last living situation before this one. 5 is just a lot of people in one house. 2 is much more manageable!
OH ALSO, FORGOT TO MENTION, THIS PLACE ALLOWS CATS, SO GET READY FOR THAT IN THE RELATIVELY NEAR FUTURE.
Cover of the week – Backwards With Time, by The Avett Brothers
The Avett Brothers have been a favorite band of mine for years now (god, I’m thinking about it now… probably 7 or 8 years!). I’ve always loved the songs on their Gleam EPs. They’re… smaller, or, more compact that the rest of their works. Just tiny bundles of spectacular music. Backwards With Time is one of my favorite songs off of The Gleam (and Sanguine… and When I Drink…), mainly because it captures so well the experience of getting older, but feeling like you’re just as lost as you’ve always been when it comes to live, life, passion, desire.
I’m so often unsure of what I want.
It’s comforting to know that even these super talented musicians have felt this inner turmoil of who to be, and how to be.
This has been a post.