Week 18 (April 30 – May 6)

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I’ve thought a lot this week about how blogging, for me, is a form of escapism. For a mix of obvious personal and professional reasons, there are aspects of my life I don’t share. I don’t, for example, talk about work stress, dating mishaps, or irritations I have with the people in my life. It could seem artificial to not cover these corners of my life that fill most of my time. On the contrary, though, it makes me feel more creative to have an outlet so outside of them.

Tied specifically with my goals – this blog is a place where I don’t have to think about invoices, or travel plans, or why he hasn’t texted me back yet. I don’t have to focus on the fact that this wasn’t actually a great for me – that anxiety sat on my chest like a heavy anvil, that stressful dreams have kept me awake most nights, that a cold lurked on the outskirts of my immune system, eager to make everything just a bit worse.

I can focus on what makes me feel alive – these days it’s running, reading, and looking towards the future.

Last week I finally made 5k, which was magic. I only ran twice this week, but was encouraged to run farther distances just because I know I can now. I think I’m going to keep my running goal at ideally 3x per week, “minimum” 2x per week. Now that I’m done with the program I was on, I don’t want to let myself slack and stop running entirely (I know myself, and I know this is something I am entirely predisposed towards doing).

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Lately, while running, I’ve been listening to Hamilton: The Revolution on audiobook. As one might presume, it’s about the creation and pre-production of the musical, and I’ve been loving all the background details. It’s helpful to already be such a big fan – when they reference certain lines in certain songs, I know entirely what they’re talking about! I think that’s what makes it such a good book for running – I’m engaged the whole time because it feels like I’m getting the juicy gossip on something I’m already a big fan of.

In other book related news, I feel like I experienced a turning point in Howard’s End this week. I mentioned last week that I wasn’t finding it quite as interesting as other novels I’ve read by E.M. Forster. But! Chapter 17, baby. Apparently that was it for me. It finally felt like whatever wasn’t clicking for me fell into place, and I’ve been picking up the book much more often.

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As an aside – this may also be due to the fact that my apartment currently has no internet. AND it’s been warmer than usual. So I’ve taken to sitting in my kitchen (where the AC is), feet propped on the counter, reading Howard’s End while I wait, in ambiguity, for Spectrum to call me and tell me the outage in my area has been resolved. I don’t consider myself someone unhealthily attached to social media / the internet. I love getting away, love camping and being entirely disconnected. It feels different, though, when I’m in a place where I should, and normally would, have a connection, but don’t. Why won’t my laptop just connect?! Last night I took to dying my hair, running 3 miles, and watching dvd’s I picked up at the library.

Finally, speaking of disconnection, I can’t wait for Taiwan – just two weeks away now! I’m so anxious to travel again, and to get away, however briefly, from my life and stress and uncertainty in Southern California. When I travel, I’m allowed to be unsure, allowed to follow what feels right, explore, and exist only in and for the moment. I’ve felt so much pressure, lately, to be so many certain things, none of which I actually want to be. This trip feels much needed in my life right now, as a way to step back and recalibrate. Much. Like. My. Evasive. Wi-fi.

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