Week 14 (April 2 – April 8)

It is gross and hot in Southern California tonight – my window is open, but the trickle of decently comfortable air doesn’t seem to be cooling my apartment down at all. I’m always surprised by how much heat my tiny studio retains. It’s one room!! Anyways – the heat is making me antsy and drowsy and it’s taking me forever to write this. Forgive the sloppiness of this – my mind is hanging on by a tether. I’ll throw in lots of pictures to make it fun.

This weekend was a busy one, but not unwelcome. One particular highlight – taking my pal Taylor to the park I discovered last weekend! I found out he’s moving back to China… well, already! We saw each other Sunday night and he left early this morning. I hadn’t seen him in far too long, but I’m glad we caught up before he flew across the world. It’s a true pleasure of the soul to find a friend you can talk for hours with and not tire of, and he is definitely one of those.

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I was particularly happy with myself for finding time to run on Sunday. I saw Taylor in the early afternoon, and went to see Isle of Dogs with someone else in the evening. I did what I always find so incredibly difficult to convince myself to do – run in the morning. To be honest, it felt gross. I’m never sure if I should eat before a run, or drink a ton of water, and I did neither, and felt like I was going to pass out. Cute! I think if I ever want to get into a morning running routine, I’m definitely going to have to research more because right now, I’m not finding it at all manageable. That said – I’m glad I actually stuck it out and made it to 3 runs this week! It good.

I’ve been journaling more frequently than usual lately, which I think is a good thing. One night this week I went to Republic of Pie, had pie (shocker!) for dinner, and just wrote for an hour – it was magic!

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A small part of me wants to berate myself for not being further on in my “write something with the intent of publication” goal, but a larger part of me is just glad that I’m writing at all. There are periods of my life left to memory alone, and I get weepy and dramatic when I think about forgetting the things that mattered so much to me when I was younger (yes – an ungodly dramatic sentence written by someone aged 24, but here we are). Long live aggressive journaling!

I’ve slowly, steadily been working on a new sock! The gauge / needles are smaller than my last project, and the pattern calls for a longer leg, so it’s been taking a while to make any noticeable progress. I’m loving the yarn I’m working with though – it’s all pretty blues and greens.

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Aaaaand I’m losing steam. I’m going to end this with a photo and lil story I posted on my instagram this week. I’ve been feelin myself lately, but whenever I start loving my body, I’m reminded of, well, how often I don’t. How often I didn’t. I’m feeling good now, though. And for the time being, that’s enough.

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A reality: growing up, I hated my body. Hated being tall, hated feeling larger than other people around me, hated taking up space. I felt like I wasn’t feminine enough – my shoulders were too broad, my waist too undefined, my body in no way petite.
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It’s easy to remember the bad things. The kid my friend and I were babysitting when we were teenagers. He pointed first at her, saying “You’re the skinny one,” and then at me, saying “You’re the fat one.” The unsolicited man at Starbucks, looking at me with raised eyebrows, saying “Well, you’re certainly not a ~small~ girl.” Years later, and I still remember their words. They probably meant nothing by them (that kid was only 6!), but anytime the self-doubt creeps in, their words echo back.
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It’s redic how society tells women to be so many things at once – be thin, be curvy, be tall, be small, be adorable, be sexy, be fun, be maternal, be perfect.
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I still don’t love my body all the time. I think I’ll always be able to pick apart the nuances of my anatomy and think “it would be better if THIS were different.” But – I’ve been running lately, and my body has been working, and honestly, I’m proud of her! So here’s pink-faced, post-run selfie. She doing good! She trying! She alive.

This has been a post.

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