Week 5 (Jan 29 – Feb 4)

Two more-or-less significant events took place this weekend!

Let’s start with the less – the office bar crawl.

A few times a year, my coworkers and I unofficially gather together to shamelessly gossip, spill secrets, and get wasted. It’s a grand time – this time I threw up in a Lyft! Cute!

Getting plastered always seems like such a good idea before actually doing it. I don’t go out all that much, and I seem to forget, between such nights, that it’s actually fucking gross. This week, I was particularly stressed from work. I want to unwind, I thought. I’ve had to be so “on it” this week. So worried about so much. Tonight – I shall be young and dumb and thrive!!

Cut to me, on the side of the highway, puking my guts out as cars whizzed by. The cold air slapped my face aggressively, as if intentionally forcing my mind back to reality – I get it. Less than thriving. Incidentally, I did not reach my step goal the next day. Ha.

NEVERTHELESS, I’m glad I went. I’m so prone to solitude, to spending my evenings alone, in my apartment, knitting and thinking too much. I’m always a little proud of myself when I actually do something. (John Mulaney has a whole fun bit about this – “It is so much easier not to do things than to do them. That you would do anything is totally remarkable.”)

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The other, much more memorable, encouraging, and overall beautiful event of the weekend, however, was Kayla’s engagement! Kayla was by best friend in high school. She was playful, witty, intelligent, and incredibly kind. When I was more religious, I found her to be a constant example of what I wanted to be – trusting, faithful, and good. We went to college and naturally gravitated to different crowds. While we don’t keep touch in the way we used to, I still look at her as an example of a quality person, filled to the brim with goodness.

On Saturday, her boyfriend AJ proposed! And she said “Of course!” It’s exhilarating to see two people – one of whom you’ve known nearly your whole life – so happy and in love. It’s also a bit terrifying, as I feel so far from that myself. I can’t fathom that kind of closeness with another person, or the kind of maturity it takes to sacrifice your own, independent life and willingly (gladly!) open it up to someone else. It’s a sight to behold, though, and I felt lucky to witness their joy at their engagement party.

In other, more resolution related news —

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My socks are coming along splendidly! I got into a groove this week because I was so excited and kept staying up too late, saying “Just one more round… okay NOW just one more.” It’s nice to work on a project that is a bit more dynamic than a scarf. It took me so long to knit my last project, and I think part of it was just how repetitive the pattern was. It was still fulfilling to make – I love anything that keeps my hands and mind active – but I can’t say I ever felt HYPED to keep working on it. That’s how I feel about these socks!

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I also wrote a bit more – I’ve had a scene stuck in my mind for a few weeks and felt inspired to finally put it down. We’ll see if it becomes anything, but I think it could have a bit of potential to it, if I keep at it! At this point, I’m not sure if I see it being something I actually try to publish — we shall see!

As a follow up / continuation of my feelings from a few weeks ago, it’s been a weird deprecating time in my life! Stop it, self! I wish I could look into the mirror and yell “Hey! Be nice to her! She’s trying! She doesn’t need you hating on everything she does!”

I reverted to an old coping mechanism, though. One that always seems to help a bit.

Whenever I start hating on my body, on these rolls, this hair, the size of my stomach, the wrongness I so often feel for not being petite, small, and “woman” sized – I make myself sketch it. I look at my body, take a picture, and turn it into art. And it helps! The imperfections make the art interesting. I try to remind myself that there is no one, perfect, “correct” way to be. So many people wish they were taller, even though I resent towering over people. So many people wish they had thicker thighs, even though I look at mine and wish they were thinner, more elegant.

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I draw these pieces of myself, though, and suddenly my body feels more magic. I think – this picture would be more boring if I didn’t get to draw these imperfect lines! My body is worth time, because I’m literally giving it time right now!

I would love to find a way to better sustain the feeling I get from this. It works well in the moment, and when I look back on it for the next few days, but inevitably I return to my criticisms. I want to find a more long term satisfaction with being myself!

This has been a post.

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