Week 4 (Jan 22-28)

I have tackled socks again! That was an accomplishment this week. I tried knitting socks a few weeks ago and gave up quickly – the needles were difficult to hold, the yarn felt too small, the pattern read like a different language I didn’t understand.

I realized, of course, that I was trying to jump into something I’ve really only barely begun to understand. I thought that having completed a scarf with knits, pearls, and basic cabling was enough to suit me for anything! I was wrong!

Since then, I’ve taken a step back, gotten myself a much more basic, entry-level pattern, and needles that are a bit easier to hold! I’ll work my way into the more complicated stuff once I can manage to knit a super easy pair of socks!

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Admittedly, I at times felt bored this week, falling into the pattern of doing nothing, and feeling bad about doing nothing, and then doing more nothing. I have to remember that just because I’ve made all these active goals, it’s just a framework – just because I have walked 9,000 steps a day doesn’t mean I’m living a fulfilling life. For me, it certainly helps, but I need to push myself to not be complacent in the routines I’ve laid out for myself. Inevitably, at some point, even the active can become mindlessly indulgent.

I read more this week, and I’m hoping to finish Drown in the next week or two. Ugh. I have said it before and will say it again – Diaz has such a way of pulling me into Junior’s narrative. He is all at once so many different characteristics, and that’s what makes him feel so human. He is not just good, or bad, beautiful, or ugly. He is all at once – smart, naive, jaded, tender, afraid, loving, angry, sensitive. And that’s what pulls me back, time and time again. I think if you just read the story without focusing on Junior’s underlying sensitivity, you could very easily write him off as an asshole character, and feel very angry at the way he treats other people (often times, women). But Diaz crafts this boy (and a boy, he is) who is so beaten down into toxic masculinity that he falls into the patterns of his father, his brother his friends. The novel shines, though, when it revels in the moments of Junior’s vulnerability. Of his crying, his mourning, his nervousness, his attention to detail, his love.

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Artistically, this week I wrote down a poem for my sister! “I Worried,” by Mary Oliver. I find the poem speaks to what I so often fear, and helps me to overcome it, even just a little bit. Oliver acknowledges anxiety, but time and time again, finds a beautiful way to turn it on itself. My sister has been dealing with some medical issues recently – it’s all very irritating, because she is still undiagnosed. It seems that all the doctors can do is give her tests, recommend her to someone else, who in turn gives her more tests, and then rules out three things, and then sends her to a specialist in some other area, and on and on and on.

There is no closure, yet. There is no sigh of relief, yet.

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This poem though. It gives me a bit of peace, and I hope it gives her some too.

Am still not living up to my hopes for myself regarding recycling, although I did do some research this week. I’m thinking I may email my landlord and see if they would consider putting a recycling bin in my apartment complex. Talking to her though – that is certainly an exercise of my comfort zone! Hoping to do better, as always.

This has been a post.

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