This post is a day late! But that is okay.
If the world can keep spinning, I can keep trying.
I feel like that sums up my feelings at the end of this week. It was a weird one. I felt emotionally low this week. For whatever reason (read: probably PMS), I just started bashing myself – and for the smallest things! My hair falls weird, my face shape isn’t pretty, my pants are too baggy at the bottom, I’m not right. It kept amounting throughout the week, until finally, I posted a fucking selfie.
And honestly, it helped.
Selfies have such a reputation for being vein and conceited. I think they can also be empowering. It can feel empowering to say “Fuck It!” to the voices in your head, telling you how gross you are, and just lay yourself out for other people to see.
I think this is a cool picture, but I also think it’s raw. It shows my acne; my red, pore-y nose; the mole above my overgrown eyebrows that I hate. It shows my unwashed hair, my bra strap, my dark circles and splotches. And it’s strange, because put all together, I like what those features show – this is me!
This is the only self I will ever know –
she is pretty, and sometimes ugly,
brave, and sometimes scared,
right, and often wrong.
Onto my week, though, in terms of resolutions! I actually wrote this week! A short, rough little fiction piece. I don’t think it will ever see the light of day, but I’m just glad I finally got to writing again. It came more easily than I expected it to, which was a pleasant surprise! One night, I also went to the Americana at Brand, this pretty outdoor mall area with a lovely fountain and swelling jazz music. I got myself a piece of Earl Grey Tea PIE, a warm cup of coffee, and read more of Drown as lovers came and went (it was a Friday and DAMN, the couples really flock to this place!).
This was the first week I broke my step goal. Only once, and at the end of the day, but here’s the thing – I don’t regret it! The point of all of these resolutions is to encourage me to not waste my days doing nothing. But even if I wasn’t walking – I was living that day! I met Jessi for coffee, I wrote that story, I went grocery shopping and actually made myself some stuffed bell peppers to last throughout the week! I wasn’t just sitting around doing nothing – I was finding other ways to make myself feel fulfilled! That said, I am encouraged to keep going on this streak. I made it 20 days without breaking – now I want to see if I can make that streak even longer.
I bought myself some new makeup this week and have actually been experimenting with it! I’m trying to be less timid about actually putting colorful and/or darker eyeshadows on. I feel like I’m often so afraid of messing it up, or drawing too much attention to myself, that I don’t even try to push myself. This week I did though!
Here’s to more risk taking in the coming weeks, and more self-acceptance for when I don’t meet my own harsh standards.
This has been a post!
Also, for my own reference, recipes I made this week: