Well, folks. I made it half way through my college career. Here are some facts/realizations/reflections on the year, if you’d care to hear a bit more about it:
- It was one of the most difficult years of my life. I feel like I say that every year, and I truly mean it every time I say it. In fact, I’m pretty sure I made a post at the end of last year (my freshman year), and it probably said the same exact thing. Still, this year takes the cake for most anxiety-ridden, stressful, overwhelming, and hopeless. (Is that a bad sign? That my life just keeps on getting progressively more difficult and complicated? Fuck adulthood.)
- I am so incredibly content with being single. That’s an understatement.
- I’m a cynic and I don’t believe in love. Okay. Perhaps that’s an overstatement.
- What I mean to say is that I went through my first breakup earlier this year, and since then, I’ve realized that I am SO fine with being single. I don’t like to be tied down. I don’t like having to change my relationships with other people because I have a “significant other” in my life. Frankly, I’m at a pretty self-centered point in my life, and I don’t think I have the capacity to fully give to anyone right now, let alone a boyfriend. Also, I’m doubtful of love right now. Humans are screwed up creatures. We hurt each other, even (and especially) the people we care about. We rip each other apart by the seams, all under the pretense of “doing what’s best for me.” I’m as guilty as anyone. I’ve done it before on multiple occasions. More often than not, when I see people get married, it doesn’t take that long for their love, their kindness to fade. They blame each other for their problems. They talk backhandedly about each other. I think that maybe relationships are for love and marriages are for partnerships. It’s great, but also rare, I think, for those two aspects (love and partnership) to coincide without crashing and burning.
- I hate that I have become that way. I want to believe in love again. I want to believe that people can be loving and affirming to one another for as long as they both shall live. I see that very rarely, though. So little that it has started to ebb away at me, causing me to doubt humanity’s ability to maintain healthy, loving relationships. Whoops.
- I finished the year by missing my very last final. Thankfully, my professor and I worked it out, but it was still pretty stressful for a few days.
- I went to counseling for the first time. It was helpful, but I still often feel like I’m spiraling out of control. The most important thing I took from it: While the bad times in life may very well be more quantitative than the good, the good are debatably stronger than the bad. And that, perhaps, is what makes life worth living.
- The more you care about people, the more likely they will break your heart. This isn’t always, in fact often isn’t, intentional, but it still happens. I cared for people more than I ever have this year. It hurt like hell.
- Job/internship searching. THE WORST.
- All this being said, all this darkness and hopelessness laid out openly, I still find that people and life constantly surprise me. Smiles can still brighten my day. Strangers can make me feel deeply understood. The fact that love breaks my heart won’t keep me from feeling it. Tea is still the great curer. Cats are still beautiful, magnificently regal creatures.
- It’s okay to not be okay. Admittedly, I’m at a pretty low point right now. But it’s okay. I have the hope that this will pass. (On that note, belief and hope are not the same thing. Belief implies certainty, and in truth, I’m not certain that it will pass. But I am hopeful. And I’m trying desperately to not loose hold of that hope.)
So, there you have it. My dismal reflections on a dismal year!
I’ll try to not be so singularly dark in my future posts! These are just a lot of thoughts I’ve been processing through recently, and I think it’s good for me to let them have some air. Get them off of my chest.
I hope you’re doing alright. If you’re not, keep pushing through. This too shall hopefully pass, and remember: you are never, ever alone.