Fear.

I’ve always been a fearful person. Obviously, I don’t want to be. But I’m rather incapable of just telling myself “This situation will be fine. Worrying won’t do anything good for you.” and calling it a day. For me, fear is often crippling- to the point that I get sick to my stomach from nerves and can’t think about anything else besides what it is that’s troubling me.

I’m not sure if I can really define my fears as being full-blown anxiety attacks or really any sort of official anxiety disorder, but I do think I relate to them sometimes. I’ve heard from people who experience anxiety attacks that one of the worst responses to the problem is having someone say “just get over it. Just don’t be anxious.”

Fear/ anxiety does not work that way.

Let me repeat that.

FEAR/ ANXIETY DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.

At least not for me. The strange thing is that I often know that my fears are irrational… or at least not likely to manifest themselves in my own life. What scares me, though, is that even if they don’t happen to me, they might happen to someone else. It’s like a never ending cycle- something bad will always be happening to someone.

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I don’t like that lately it seems there are more and more reasons to fear.

I’m afraid of watching the news because I know there are terrible injustices taking place all over the world.

I’m  afraid of not watching the news and not knowing about those injustices.

I’m afraid because I see people misconstruing what the Bible says.

I’m afraid of introducing people to my liberal church lest I be judged.

I’m afraid of sharing my feelings.

I’m afraid of leaving home and growing up and experiencing new things.

I’m  afraid of never reaching my full potential, or worse, never knowing what it even is.

I’m afraid to go out of the house because there are shootings at movie theaters and elementary schools.

I’m afraid to stay in my house because someone could break in.

I’m afraid of being weak and not being able to defend myself if I ever have to.

I’m afraid of being taken advantage of professionally, physically, and/ or emotionally.

I’m afraid that the people I love will one day die.

I’m afraid that I will one day die and that the people I love will be sad.

I’m afraid that my doubts and fears will never go away.

I’m afraid of being hopeful.

I’m afraid that good won’t always win- that horrible things will just keep happening and happening.

I’m afraid of humanity and the horrible things we do.

I’m afraid because the more and more I learn about the world, the darker and more broken it seems.

But I’m also afraid because I know I’m still ignorant about most things- and that the world is probably darker and more broken than I’m even aware of.

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Perhaps the world has always been this way (frightening), and I’ve just finally grown up enough to see it. Maybe the reason people lose their child like wonder and stop dreaming is because there are legitimate reasons to be afraid of the world. I think that can be overwhelming.

I mean, who knows. Maybe it’s growing up but maybe it’s just me- my own screwed up, paranoid, fearful self.

It irritates me when people say that God is reason enough to not to fear. I know that sounds bad, and maybe unChristian, but it’s truly how I feel a lot of the time. Knowing that God exists does not erase my fears. I can quote scripture and try to try as hard as I can to trust that I don’t need to fear because God has everything under control, but once again, it’s not that easy. My fears always and eventually return.

It’s scares me that God doesn’t stop bad things from happening. It’s never been the “why” or “how” factor of bad situations that terrifies me (ie “why did God allow this to happen?” or “how could God let this happen?”). What terrifies me is that for whatever unknown reason, he does allow bad things to happen, and we as humans, allow bad things to happen, and that seemingly more often than not, things are awful.

There was a bombing in Boston. People drew near to each other and found incredible strength within each other, but that doesn’t negate the fact that the bombing happened, and that people lost their lives, and that in those moments, there were innocent people unaware that they were about to be blown away.

There were nineteen firefighters that died in a fire a few days ago. Nineteen people who went in and never came out. Nineteen families that now have to deal with that loss.

A man went into an elementary school killed unsuspecting children. Once again, it’s not the why that scares me, but the fact that it even happened at all.

I am so baffled by people who have the ability to hope in the worst of situations, because I honestly don’t get it. It’s like a different language to me.. how do you have hope when there is so much darkness? How do you have hope in God when bad things keep happening? How do you have hope in humanity when bad things keep happening? If not to you, then to other people?

I think people cling so often onto the hope that in the end, good will prevail and the bad things will stop.

But more and more often, I just can’t help but fear that good will not ultimately triumph over evil. That maybe there isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel. That bad things won’t ever stop happening to someone.

And I fear and I wonder how it is possible to not be consumed by that fact. How is it possible to keep living life and having hope for humanity when something bad will always be happening?

From a fearful and melancholy blogger with lots of jumbled thoughts and very few answers,

Kristy

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